Trials and Tribulations (30dayfic challenge)
by holygirl84
Summary: Summary: Written as part of the 30 day fic Tumblr challenge, where you get a new prompt each day you have to incoporate. For now, it start Jessica having to testify against her father at trial. Steve and Danny support her through it. Who knows where it will go. Part of the HOME series.
1. Time

Time

"Danny! Jessica!" Steve yells from the bottom of the stairs. "Come on, it's time to go!" He glances in the mirror and straightens his tie, trying not to feel irritable. He's hot already, it's easily 100 degrees outside and he's wearing his dress blues, as he has every day this week. He swallows a tone of impatience; they're already running late. "Let's go!"

Danny comes down the stairs first, pulling Steve into the living. "Relax, would you? Jessica's changing, she'll be down soon."

"Changing? What was wrong with the first outfit she was wearing? It looked fine." Steve hisses, trying to keep his tone down for Jessica's sake.

"It was," Danny concedes. "Until she threw up all over it." Danny's running his hands up and down Steve's arm, soothing his impatience.

Steve pinches the bridge of his nose as he sighs, leaning into Danny's touch. "I'm screwing this all up, aren't I?"

"Go easy on yourself, babe. Jessica's testifying against her father today; we're all a little on edge."

"Yeah," Steve sighs. He turns as he hears footsteps; Jessica making her way downstairs. She's got a new outfit on, a sundress with a sweater that comes to her elbows. She looks pale as she reaches the bottom landing and pauses and once again Steve's filled with an overwhelming anger that her youth been cut so short by the horrible events of her father. "You ok Jessie?" he asks, keeping his voice soft. He wants to pull her into his arms and hold her, reassure her that her father will never have the chance to touch her again. He doesn't though, knows touch still causes anxiety for Jessica and god knows she has enough of that already to deal with today. Instead he stays on the other side of the room, giving her space, making sure she doesn't feel trapped. "I didn't mean to yell at you." He wants to apologize for making such a mess of everything, for not being a better father, but this is the best that he can do.

Jessica nods, but doesn't say anything and Steve hates himself even more. Danny knows though, Danny always knows and he runs his hand down Steve's back before he moves towards the door.

"Ready to go babe?" Danny asks her, as if she has a choice in this. "Let's get this over with, huh?"


	2. Water

Water

There's a water pitcher on the D.A.'s table that Jessica stares pointedly at, trying to remember to breathe. Just beyond it, she can see the faces of Steve and Danny, as well as Kono and Chin. Behind them sits, Sgt. Lukela, the police officers who were first on scene that day, and the detectives who investigated her mother's death. Kamekona and Captain Grover are there as well, it seems that everyone in the McGarrett-Williams' "ohana" turned out to support her today. At first Jessica has been anxious, not wanting that many people to know the sordid details of what her father had done to her. Right now though, she's grateful for their presence. They're providing her with a solid sense of support, which she desperately needs right now. Her father's lawyer approaches, ready to start the cross-examination and Jessica can feel everything suddenly get closer, suddenly feels trapped up there on the witness stand, with no way out. She focuses on the water pitcher again, just like her therapist had instructed her to do, breathing slowly, evenly. She can do this. She knows she can.

Jessica tries to remember the D.A.'s instructions as the cross-examination begins. She responds in short, one to two word answers, mostly yes or no. But the lawyer is relentless, pushing her to relive details that she wanted to forget, questioning why she didn't tell anyone, tearing apart every inconsistency and blank spot in her memory. The D.A. tries to help, objecting when he can, but Jessica can feel herself becoming more and more upset and anxious with each question. It's all too much, too loud, too many people watching her. Her breaths start coming in gasps before she even realizes what's happening, her vision tunneling. Her muscles are strung tense, like a rubber band ready to snap and she's fighting the urge to climb out of her skin. She's helpless to stop the panic attack coming on. Someone, she's not sure who, presses a glass of water into her hands, as Jessica fights desperately to stay in the moment a little while longer. She's vaguely aware that she's still on the stand, is worried about how bad it might look if she completely loses. She hears a voice and struggles to comprehend what's being asked of her, recognizing her name being called.

"Jessica? Do you need a break?" It's the judge, Jessica realizes.

"I….I can't…I need…" Jessica draws upon her last remaining vestibule of strength, taking in a deep breath, determined to put words together in a way that makes sense. She won't let everyone down like this. "Yes. I need a break. Please."


	3. Tree

Prompt: Tree

Danny's not the least bit surprised when Jessica barely makes it out the front doors of the courthouse before she vomits all over the steps. He's been in those places before, places where you can feel the panic building like a freight train and there's nothing you can do to stop it, you can only hope to minimize the collateral damage when it hits. "Easy," he soothes. He pulls her hair out of her face as she heaves.

Jessica's gasping for air, nearly hyperventilating, as she apologizes profusely. "I'm sorry. Oh god, I'm sorry. I didn't mean too. I ruined everything. I'm sorry."

"Hey, hey, it's ok, everything's fine." Danny glances around, a crowd is starting to gather and he's anxious to get her somewhere less public. Then anxiety attack is in full course now, her thoughts running amok, and Danny's gonna need some space and privacy to talk her down off the proverbial cliff. "Let's take a walk, huh. Think you can make it to that tree?" It's large and over by the side of the courthouse, out of the way of throngs of people who enter and exit a million times a day.

Jessica nods and Danny extends his hands, giving her to choice to take it or not. He doesn't say at lot, knows it better to not overwhelm her with too many words. Jessica grabs it like a life-line and squeezes hard. "I got you now," Danny assures her, as they slowly make their way over to the tree. Once they arrive, Danny has Jessica sit with her back against it, hoping the feel of the rough bark will help to ground her. He crouches on one of her, Steve on the other. Chin, Kono, and Grover form a protective barrier from any lingering prior eyes, close enough to help if needed, yet far enough away to give the three of them some privacy. "You're safe. I promise. Just breathe babe. Just breathe."


	4. Eyes

Prompt: Eyes

Steve feels helpless as Danny gently coaches Jessica through her panic attacks. He's never been good at this, never been good at calming Jessie down. She feels things too intensely and he's used to compartmentalizing, pushing all of his feelings aside. He learned early on that skill isn't something that is particularly helpful for Jessica; he remembers the argument between him and Danny when Danny had come home from the store one day early when Jessica had first came to live with them to find Steve trying to talk her through SEAL techniques of detaching. He had been more than a little out of his element and Danny had been livid. They'd gotten her into therapy soon after that; had come up with coping techniques for her panic attacks, ways to reduce the anxiety. It'd been a while since she's had an attack this bad. Even still, Steve's never quite felt like he'd been able to connect with Jessica during these attacks. Danny's always been more successful in calming her down.

So Steve does what he's always done, provides a solid, supportive presence. He doesn't say anything, just let's Danny do his thing. They're a good team, him and Danny. Danny with his words, him with is presence. This is something he can do. Let her know that she's not alone, that he won't leave her, no matter what. Right now it's the best he's got.

"I'm sorry," Jessica apologizes to both, after she finally calms down. "I should have been stronger, I should have been able to hold it together better. God, I made such a mess of everything."

Danny goes to say something, to reassure her that she did nothing wrong, but Steve gets there first.

"Hey. Look at me. Look at me Jessie, "he repeats when she doesn't initially respond. He waits until she's looking at him and locks eyes with her, as if he could he sear the very words into her soul. "You did just fine Jessie. Ok? I promise you. You didn't mess up anything sweetheart."

"But the jury…"

"Don't worry about the jury. They're smart enough to understand that you had a panic attack and even if they don't that's on them, not on you ok?" He waits, holding her gaze, until she nods ever so slightly. "What is it we always say?"

"No lies."

"That's right. No lies." Steve confirms. It had been one of his first promises to her and had quickly become a motto in their house. If there's one thing that Steve can do it's make sure that Jessica always knows the truth. In a childhood that had been so marred with lies from her biological father, Steve made it his mission to ensure that Jessica never faced that again, that she always knows the truth no matter how unpleasant. "Look, I don't know what's going to happen with the jury ok. I don't know what the verdict will be. We have a strong case. But Jessica, I promise you that no matter what the outcome, you did not mess up anything. Ok?"

Jessica nods again, taking a deep breath. Steve can tell that the panic attack has finally ended and while there's still some lingering anxiety around the edges the worst of it at least is over for now. "Ok. Thank you," she says, reaching out to squeezes his hand, then Danny. "Both of you."

Steve leans in to plant a kiss on her forehead before he wipes away the tears away from her eyes with his thumb. "Ready to go get cleaned up?"


	5. Belief

Prompt: Belief

Jessica takes another deep breath as she splashes water on her face, then cups her hands under the faucet, letting them fill up with water so she can rinse away the lingering taste of vomit. She's worried about what will happen once she gets back on the witness stand, already starting to feel the adrenaline dump, her body shaky as it deals with the massive amounts of chemicals that have been unloaded in her system when the panic attack caused her body's fight or flight response to be triggered. She feels exhausted, as if she'd just finished a five mile swim and she's struggling to shore up her last remaining defenses to get her though the rest of the cross-examination. Jessica's determined not to let her father's lawyer get to her like that again.

Kono enters the bathroom then; hands her a candy bar from the vending machine. Snickers, her favorite. "Steve and Danny thought you might need this," she offers by way of explanation.

Jessica smiles as she grabs it, tearing off the wrapper. Besides being a comfort food, her therapist had explained that in small amounts chocolate can actually help reduce anxiety, the sugar in it causing her body to produce serotonin, her body's natural stress reliever. In addition, the sugar rush also helps to level her out the blood sugar drop caused by the anxiety attack. It's exactly what she needs to get her body back to feeling some semblance of normal again. The candy's halfway in her mouth before she mumbles "thanks" around it. Kono smiles back at her.

"You ok kid?" she asks once Jessica has finished inhaling her candy.

"Yeah. The chocolate helped. A lot."

Kono smiles wider at that. "Yeah it was always the first thing I went for after a surf meet. Only I'm an Almond's Joy kind of girl." She becomes serious then, turning to face Jessica. "Hey you know that whatever happens we're all here for you. We believe you."

Jessica nods at that. From day one Danny and Steve, and therefore the rest of their ohana by proxy, have had an unwavering belief in Jessica's story. They never doubted her, never questioned when she would suddenly have a flashback or memory of abuse that she hadn't been able to remember previously. Instead they assured her that she wasn't crazy, that she wasn't making it up, no matter how many times she asked. That support, that belief, had made all the difference in the world. And she knew that no matter what the outcome or verdict, no matter what people said about her, no matter how many times her father's lawyer tried to convince the jury that she was lying, that their stanch, unyielding belief in her story would continue.

"I know." She wants to say more than that, wants to tell Kono, and Chin, and Steve and Danny and all the rest of them just how appreciative she is, but she's already choking back tears as she thinks about it. Kono seems to understand though and doesn't push. Instead she pulls open the door to the bathroom, placing her hands on Jessica's shoulder as Jessica walks out into a crowd of concerned face.

"She's good," Kono assures everyone. "She's got this."


	6. Knife

Prompt: Knife

Jessica's back on the witness stand, considerably more composed this time, when her father's attorney, whose name she hadn't bothered learning, immediately begins down a line of questioning that she had dreaded: her mental health history. She's knows it's coming, the D.A. had fully prepped her, but it's still a hot button issue for her and definitely one she doesn't like discussing at will. He points out her rather public panic attack, goes to lengths to continue questioning the legitimacy of the memories that have come back in pieces and time. The next question however, hits her off guard.

"In fact, didn't Detective Williams find you holding a knife to your own wrist?"

Jessica takes a deep breath, her gaze rooted firmly on new family, drawing strength from them. It had been one of the lowest points in her life, shortly after she had started living with Danny and Steve and she doesn't like to remember it. She's come a long way since then, thanks in large part to the therapy and Steve and Danny's unending support. That doesn't make reliving it any easier though.

"Yes."

"And why were you holding a knife to your wrist?" the defense attorney asks, as if it wasn't blatantly obvious.

"I was trying to kill myself."

"Really? And why would you want to do that? I mean, you're no longer living with my client: the man you claim violently and repeated assaulted you. Your foster parents are two of the most prominent members of law enforcement on the island. You should have been happy. So tell me, why on earth would you want to kill yourself?"

Jessica mumbles out her response, wringing her hands together anxiously. She's embarrassed by the reason, it's so stupid now, but at the time, it had been all consuming.

"What was that? Speak up so the jury can hear you." The defense attorney's voice is firm, demanding, reminding her too much of when her father used to speak to her like that and she fights back the desire to tell him off.

"Because the voices in my head were telling me too."


	7. Argument

Prompt: Arguement

Steve reaches over and places his hand on Danny's knee, thumb pressing down in small strokes that helps to keep Danny grounded when Jessica says those words, begins talking about that awful day. Danny's grateful for the support. He knows he's not the one up there on the witness stand, but it doesn't stop him from reliving it himself, doesn't stop him from remembering the abject terror he felt when he had went into Jessica's room to find her standing, staring at herself in the mirror, holding a large butcher knife to her wrist.

What he remembers most though is the aftermath. After he had talked her into giving him the knife and she had collapsed against him crying. After Steve had come home to a frantic text to find him collecting every single knife and medication that they owned. After they had they had put Jessica to bed, one of Grace's old baby monitors in her room so that they could hear her if she got up. Those things are mostly a blur in his mind, fueled by too much adrenaline. What he remembers most is the heated argument that he and Steve had after all that. Danny had felt that Jessica needed help—_now_ and was pushing to take her to the hospital. Steve has insisted that they were capable of handling it. It was one of their most intense arguments to date and the first one they'd had about Jessica. Out on the lanai, in hushed voices so as not the wake her, neither had been willing to give ground.

****Flashback****

"She's withdrawing from heroin Danny! She's not crazy."

"I'm not saying she is, but she had a knife to her wrist Steven. A very large butcher knife. You weren't here, you didn't hear her when she was sobbing that the voices in her head were telling her to kill herself! We are out of depths here!" Danny hissed.

"We're not sending her away!"

"Nobody's talking about sending her away!" Danny shot back. "But she needs help! All I'm saying is that we take her to the hospital, we get her on some medication, we get her stabilized, and then she comes back home with us in a couple of days. We have to think about her safety!"

"You don't get it Danny!" Steve was insistent. "Sending her away, even if it's its only for a few days, it's gonna make it worse ok? Look when my father sent me away after my mother faked her death, he thought he was doing the right thing, he thought he was protecting me but…it just.." Steve paused, scrubbing his hand over his face. Danny can almost hear the unspoken 'it fucked me up'. Steve looks back at Danny. His voice is softer now, almost a plea. "I won't let that happen to her ok? She's been with us 2 weeks Danny. Just 2 weeks. Her mother's dead, her father's a son of bitch and we…we promised that we'd protect her. That she'd be safe with us. And we promised her we wouldn't leave her."

"Ok babe," Danny moves closer and pulling Steve into a hug. "I hear you. But this, this isn't you and your dad Steve. This is a big deal and she needs help." Danny feels Steve tensing in his arms, gearing back up for fight and he rushes to finish. "We don't have to take her to the hospital tonight, ok?" he capitulates. "But she needs to talk to someone. Soon. And so do we. We're gonna need some guidance on this one babe."

Danny feels Steve nodding against him. "I'll call the governor. He said he could recommend some child psychologists when we first started fostering her, remember. Maybe he can pull some strings, get us an appointment sooner rather than later."

"Ok. Good. That's a good plan babe." ***End flashback***


	8. Winter

Prompt: Winter

The Judge agrees to a lunch break after Jessica finishes her cross-examination, having been the last remaining witness for the prosecution. They don't have a lot of time, only an hour, but Kamekona has come through without them even asking, bringing plates of garlic shrimp over to the courthouse for everyone.

"It's on the house brudda," he says when Danny tries to pay him. "You just take care of our girl here." He smiles and winks at Jessica. "You did real good today keiki. I can't stay, if I leave Flippa in charge much longer we won't have any customers."

Jessica is subdued throughout lunch, pushing the food around on her plate, neither eating much nor engaging in the conversation around her. Danny tries to distract her, get her mind on something else. "Steve and I were talking about going away when this is all over, maybe taking a vacation over your winter break. What do you think? Anywhere you'd like to go?"

Jessica shrugs, non-committal. At the moment, she's having hard time thinking about anything other than getting through the trial. "I've never seen the snow," she offers up after a few moments pause.

"Never seen the snow?!" Danny's all mock horror as he starts into a rant about how beautiful Jersey is in the winter, with all the snow on the ground but Jessica's barely listening. She's too distracted, thinking about how the defense is going to try to spin what happened to her when their witnesses take the stand, her thoughts running amok.

"Can I go back to school?" she asks suddenly, bringing the conversation at the lunch table to a halt. "I don't have to watch the rest of the trial, right?"

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to Jessica," Steve assures her. "But are you sure? Now that you've testified you're allowed in the courtroom."

Jessica nods. "I don't want to hear them say that I'm a liar, that I made it all up. I just…I can't go through with that."

"Ok," Steve tells her. He's not surprised honestly, one of the most difficult things for Jessica was the fact that her memory came back in pieces, a little at a time. She also blames herself for not telling anyone, believes that her mother would still be alive if she had only told someone the truth. They've been working on getting her to forgive herself in therapy, but it hasn't been an easy process. "Come on, I'll drive you there."


	9. Love

Prompt:Love

Jessica's quiet on the ride over to school, wrapped up in her thoughts. Steve chooses not to push her, knowing that she'll open up when she's ready. The therapy process has taught him, and Danny, to learn when to give Jessica space, as well as how to support her when she's ready to talk.

Steve thinks back over the past almost year that Jessica has been with them. It hadn't been easy, not by a long shot, but he honestly can't imagine what life would be like now without her. Steve had never imagined this, never thought that he would be a parent, and he definitely never thought that he'd be a foster father to someone like Jessica, someone who was only 14 but had just as many demons as he had.

In the end though, those demons had been what finally brought them together. Steve won't lie, he had had a difficult time connecting with Jessica at first. Steve hid his scars, pushed them all deep down, while Jessica wore hers like the open wounds they were. It had caused some tension at first, Steve constantly felt like he was walking on eggshells around her, afraid that the slightest touch or word would set off a panic attack that he felt woefully unprepared to deal with.

And then one day Steve had finally opened up. He remembers it like it was yesterday, another nightmare had left Jessica screaming and crying, shaky, and hyperventilating. Only that time none of the typical things that Danny and Steve used to calm her seemed to work. Jessica was inconsolable although she refused to tell them what the nightmare was about. She just kept repeating that "he was going to come get her." As a desperate last attempt, Steve had taken Jessica out into the ocean on their surfboards, hoping against hope that the ocean could perform a healing that he couldn't. As they sat there, waves gently bouncing them up and down, Steve had slowly opened up, sharing about some of his sleepless night. He talked about the sea, his lady and first love, and how she always gave him strength. How he got through some of the most difficult times in his own life by giving his feelings up to her.

Jessica hadn't said much that night, but she had listened and it was a turning point in her and Steve's relationship. It still wasn't easy, but both Steve and Jessica felt like they could connect with each other for the first time. And soon after, Jessica had fallen in love with the ocean. It seemed to calm her anxiety and soothe her nerves in a way nothing else could. Steve understood. It was the same with him. They spent so much time in it that Danny joked Jessica was turning into mini SEAL. But deep down, Steve knew that Danny didn't care, wasn't jealous. Not only did the ocean help Jessica heal, but it forged a bond between her and Steve that was most definitely needed.

Steve's pulled out of his thoughts as he pulls up in front of the school. "You sure you're ok sweetheart?" he asks as she pulls her book bag up into the front seat.

"Yeah. I just…I miss my mom. And I wish…I just wish she was still here." Her eyes get big then and she rushes ahead, stumbling over the words. "I didn't mean…I'm sorry…you and Danny have been so great…It's not.."

Steve reaches across the console, placing his hand over hers, stopping her flow of words. "Stop. You don't have to apologize for missing your mom Jessica. Ever. Or for wishing she was still around. You know I never would have met Danny if my Dad hadn't been killed. But that doesn't stop me from missing him every day and from wishing he was still here, from wishing he had never dies. It….it never stops hurting you know. But with time, it gets easier. Easier to carry his love with me, instead of my grief. The same will happen for you. Just...just give it time."


	10. Chocolate

Prompt: Chocolate

Jessica stares around the room of her therapist's office later that evening at her weekly appointment. Danny and Steve are in the room this time; most of the time Jessica talks to him in private, but occasionally they do family sessions so that Steve and Danny can learn how to best to support Jessica. They're talking about the trial, but Jessica can't seem to focus. The room is soothing; washed in soft creams and light browns, accented with several large suede pillows that are darker in color. Chocolate, Jessica thinks, holding one in her lap and pulling absentmindedly at a string attached to it.

"What was that, Jessica?" Jarrod, her therapist, asks.

"Chocolate. That's a color right? Because dark brown doesn't quite seem to be describe it right."

Jarrod leans forward in his chair, elbows on his knees. "Jessica? Are you with me?" his voice filled with concern.

"The pillow." Jessica looks up at Dr. Jarrod, sees the concern that written all over his face and the faces of her foster fathers. She shakes herself out of her thoughts, bringing her attention back to Dr. Jarrod. "Sorry. I'm here. I guess I just got lost in my thoughts."

"You've had a long day," Jarrod comments. "And I know that talking about the trial again isn't easy."

"I just, I can't stop thinking about that day. I… I hadn't thought about it in a long time, but now, now I can't get it out of my mind."

"The uh, the uh defense attorney brought up the day that Jessica had a knife to her wrist," Danny explains, seeing the confused look on Jarrod's face. "Tried to make it seem like she's crazy, that the voices are proof nothing she says can be trusted. You know none of that's true Jessica," Danny reminds her.

"I know it's just…what if it happens again? The voices, sometimes I still hear them. They don't tell me to kill myself, but…what if one day they do?"


	11. Clothes

Prompt: Clothes

Steve watches as Jessica says those words, her voice filled with sadness. It's almost like she's resigning herself to the fact that it's bound to happen again at some point in the future. He doesn't want think about what would have happened if Danny hadn't had gone into Jessica's room that day to in order to get her clothes so he could do the laundry. He hates seeing her seeing her like this, hates knowing that there's nothing he can do to protect her from her own demons. What he wants to do is to go beat Jessica's biological father bloody, wants to put him in the ground for what he did to her. Steve knows he can't know though, knows can't take the law into his own hands no matter how much he'd like to. Instead he scoots closer to Jessica. He can't protect her from the past, but he can keep her safe in the future. Reaching out, he puts his hand over hers, stilling her motions as she continued to pluck at the string on the pillow.

"Then we deal with it ok?" Steve assures her. "Look Jessica whatever happens in the future, Danny and I will be here to support you and help you. We're not going anywhere. I promise. No lies."

"I know that," Jessica tells him, wrapping her fingers around his. Steve can hear the sincerity in her voice, see it in her eyes. "I know that no matter what happens I'll always have you. You and Danny…you've both been so amazing," she says, looking over at him. "I just…I feel like I'm always going to have to deal with this you know? Like no matter what, I'll always be damaged goods. And I just…sometimes I _feel_ like I'm crazy. That defense attorney, he was right. I wasn't hearing voices before, when I was living with him." She refers to her biological father in the 3rd person as she often does when she's upset and Steve squeezes her hand, supporting her silently. "He was beating me and shooting me up with heroin and…"she pauses, biting out the next word. "raping me, but I was still going to school, I was getting good grades, I was fine. But now, I mean it's been almost a year and I'm having panic attacks and flashbacks, I have nightmares, I hear voices, and I feel like _I'm losing my mind._ Maybe I am crazy."

"I promise you, _I promise you,_ you are not crazy and you are not damaged," Danny insists. "Do you hear me? You are not damaged." His voice has the strained, ever so slightly pressured tone to it, the one that Steve associates with Danny being stressed and desperate. He knows how much Danny takes this heart, how much he wants Jessica to understand what he's saying and more than that to believe it. It hurts Danny to see Jessica like this. It hurts Steve too but Steve thinks it hurts Danny more. Danny's been a father before, knows how carefree and innocent Grace was at her age and while he's never said it, Steve knows that Danny counts his lucky stars every night that Grace never had to go through what Jessica did. Danny's sitting next to him and Steve places his other hand on Danny's lower back and Danny leans into the touch.

Steve's at a loss for what to say, how to help either of them right now, but Jarrod speaks up then, coming to rescue. "Danny and Steve are right Jessica. You're not damaged or crazy. You're a survivor. And it's important for you to see yourself that way. Look you've spent the last 4 years of your life in survival mode and I'm not convinced that some form of abuse didn't start much earlier than that. Your brain was trying to protect you. You couldn't process what has happening because you were still inside of it. And the getting out of it only added on more trauma. And once you did get out, your body had to detox from heroin addiction." Jarrod leans forward again as he continues to talk."

"When you go through a traumatic experience, that trauma literally changes the brain chemistry. And you didn't just have one, you had years of trauma. First, your body needed a chance to heal. Now your brain has to heal. But your brain doesn't work on a switch. It's not like you got out and suddenly it knew you were safe. Your brain is still in survival mode. Over this past year, it's slowly realizing that it doesn't need to do that anymore. That Danny and Steve have given you a space that's not only physically safe but emotionally safe for you as well. And now that your body and your brain are finally starting to feel safe again, you can start to process everything that's happened to you. All the symptoms that you're having, it's all your body and your brain trying to process and integrate what happened to you."


	12. Holiday

Prompt: Holiday

Steve drops his head, letting the hot water from the shower cascade down over his shoulder and back. He braces his hands against the wall as he rolls his neck back and forth trying to work out the worst of the kinks. He's mentally exhausted from the day's events but he tries not to think too much about that, knowing that Jessica's had it much worse. He feels lost, like he doesn't know how to help her no matter how much therapy they've gone through. His heart breaks for everything that Jessica has gone through and what she continues to go through. Mostly though, what weighs heaviest on his mind is how lucky he feels that he can push through his feelings. Sure, there have been times when he's had nightmares, times when he's had difficulty stopping himself from reliving the past. The few days after he'd killed Wo Fat after days of being held and tortured were the worst. He remembers the vulnerability, the hyper-reactivity. It took him longer to recover than it usually did. He attributes it to the fact that he was drugged, the combination of meds slowly making their way out of his system. Still though, he had gotten through it, been able to put it behind him fairly quickly and move on and he's incredibly thankful for that ability.

He's so wrapped up in his thoughts that he doesn't even hear Danny come into the master bathroom.

"Yo Super SEAL, did you drown in there? Jessica's waiting to talk about going to Jersey for the holiday. What happened to your luxury 3 minute Army shower?"

"Navy shower, Danny. Navy." Steve turns off the water, stepping out as he wraps a shower around his waist. "How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"Seriously you ok babe? You've been in here a while."

"Just thinking, you know." Steve wipes the water of his face and chest with another towel, runs it though his hair, before putting on his Navy SEAL t-shirt.

"Yeah, anything you feel like sharing?"

"Just…I was just thinking about how lucky I was I've been able to push every bad thing that happened to me aside."

"That's because the Army, in its infinite wisdom, taught you how to be a robot devoid of actual human feelings instead of dealing with shit like the rest of us do."

Steve rolls his eyes when Danny once again uses the wrong military branch but doesn't call him out on it. At this point in their relationship, he knows it's an ongoing joke. "I'm not a robot Daniel. They just taught us to compartmentalize, they pushed us past what we thought we could endure. It made me stronger. I just…sometimes I wish I could give that to Jessica." He sighs pulling on his sweatpants.

"I know babe," Danny assures him. "I do too. But Jessica's not like you babe. She can't just push it aside, pretend it didn't happen. She's living it. Every day. But what we can do, what we've been doing is giving her a safe space to do that. Now come on. We've got a holiday vacation to plan."


	13. Alien

It's later the next day and Jessica's sitting in school, staring off into space. Her civics class is discussing the topic of immigration and some kid next to her keeps calling undocumented residents "aliens." Jessica wants to punch him, she feels edgy and irritable. She's sure a large part of it is due to lack of sleep; she found herself awake at 3am with intense nausea and stomach pain. It had passed and she'd fallen back asleep around 5am, an hour before she had to get up for school. When she'd woke, she'd felt fine so she hadn't bothered to tell Danny or Steve about it but now both the pain and nausea have been steadily building since 2nd period.

She summons the courage to ask to go to the nurse, who tells her she has a fever and calls Danny. She hates the fact that her anxiety is building as well, which only worsens the nausea. Jessica's never liked doctors, even before her mother died, but afterwards her dislike of hospitals only increased exponentially. They remind her too much of that day, of her father shooting her mother and then beating her with a belt when he found her hiding behind the couch calling 911. She doesn't remember much of the actual events, only has a vague outline of them in her head. Shock, the doctors called it. Her therapist called it dissociation. Either way what she remembers most is coming to in the hospital, face down as doctors stitched up her back. She remembers the feel of unknown hands on her, the tug of the sutures, the fire in her back. She breathes deep and tries to focus on something else but it's too late, the nausea has taken over and she barely makes it into the bathroom before she vomits.

She's surprised when it's Steve who shows up in the nurse's office, not Danny, but she feels so miserable by that time that she doesn't even care. "Hey. This looks familiar," Steve quips, trying to make her feel better.

"Too familiar," Jessica agrees.

"Danny's signing you out," Steve explains as he picks up her backpack. "We got you an appointment with Dr. Lelani in half an hour."

Jessica's glad she's seeing her regular pediatrician instead of going to the emergency room. "Good. I don't want to go to the hospital again."

"I can't promise that Jessica, but we'll do our best ok. Let's just wait to see what the doctor has to say."


	14. Foreign

Prompt: Foreign

Things don't go anywhere near as well at the doctors as anyone in the McGarrett-Williams family would like. Dr. Lelani is concerned that the stomach pain might be serious, possibly appendicitis or an ovarian cyst, so she sends them over to the emergency room to get lab work and x-rays. Steve had tried to convince Dr. Lelani to send her through the outpatient x-ray departments, but it's late in the day by this point, not to mention a Friday and none of them have any openings until Monday.

"Look I'm probably just being overcautious," Dr. Lelani had tried to assure them. "Her pain isn't really localized anywhere, she's only vomited once, and her fever is extremely low-grade. But I'd rather be overly cautious tonight, then regret it tomorrow. Humor me. I've already called ahead; the ER is expecting you. Everything checks out ok and you guys are home in a couple of hours."

Which is how Jessica, Steve, and Danny find themselves sitting in an room in the ER on Friday night, waiting for the doctor to come see her. Danny's running his thumb over her knuckles as they wait; Jessica's tapping out a nervous rhythm against the rail of the hospital bed with her fingernails.

"You ok babe?" Danny asks her. "You seem lost in thought."

"I'm just…I'm tired of…this", she moves her hand around, trying to convey everything that was on her mind. "First it was everything with my father and detoxing from heroin. Then it was the panic attacks, the flashbacks. And just when I thought I got those under control I got meningitis. Then the trial. Now this. I just…I just want to feel _normal_ again." Normal. God that seemed like such a foreign concept now.

Before Danny has a chance to respond there's a knock, then Dr. Hunt enters the room. He's the same doctor who treated her when she had meningitis and Jessica's not sure if that makes her feel better or worse.

"I spoke with Dr. Lelani," Dr. Hunt tells them after they exchange a few pleasantries. "Given your symptoms, she's right to send you over to us. It's probably just a stomach bug, but it's always better to be safe than sorry. If it's ok with you Jessica, I'd like to examine you myself then we're probably going to send you for a CT scan that way we can get a look at everything that's going on inside you. I'd also like to start you on an IV and see if we can't do something about that pain and nausea."


	15. Film

Prompt: Film

It appears that Dr. Hunt remembers Jessica and her trauma issues because once again he asks—and waits—for her permission before touching her. He palpates her stomach and she almost comes off the bed when he hits a tender spot. "Sorry," he apologizes as Danny soothes her. "Ok, so I'm sure Dr. Lelani explained, your abdominal pain isn't really specific to one area. The majority of the pain is in your upper abdomen, which isn't typical of appendicitis, but sometimes it can present atypically, so I'm going to go ahead and get that CT."

The CT scan that Dr. Hunt has ordered requires Jessica to drink contrast, a process that takes about 2 hours, so Steve goes out to his truck and grabs their windows notebook that they usually reserve for work, but he makes an exception as Jessica's Ipad is at home. He downloads Netflix and signs in with their home account, letting Jessica choose the film of her choice to keep her occupied while they're waiting.

The contrast tastes chalky and awful (Steve knows because he had made the mistake of saying "It can't be that bad" to which both Jessica and Danny, who'd apparently had to drink the same stuff before for a procedure, immediately made him taste to prove just how horrible it really was). It's also causing more nausea for Jessica, but they can't give her more medicine until they find out the cause, so Steve's glad that Jessica has a distraction. At least the pain is a more bearable now, the medicine having kicked in.

Jessica choose The Hunger Games and as they watch the three of them engage in a lively debate as to whether Steve or Danny would win. Steve's got more training than Danny and he lacks a fear gene, but Jessica thinks that Danny's scrappy, underdog, Jersey attitude would take him farther than anyone would expect. They pass the time fairly quickly, although Steve and Danny have to do a fair amount of cajoling to get Jessica to finish the contrast. Steve resorts to promising shave ice once they leave; he knows he can get Kamkeona to open his shop for her if needed.

The tech comes in after she's finished drinking it all to take her to the CT scan. Jessica's actually doing fairly well, all things considered and she assures Danny and Steve that she doesn't need them to go with her, which is good because the tech tells them that they don't allow family back in the first place. They both kiss her forehead before the tech wheels her gurney out of the room. Once alone, the two sit quietly. "She'll be ok," Steve tells Danny, trying to reassure him. In reality, he's really reassuring himself.

Danny knows this though, he always does, always seems to know what Steve is thinking. He rubs his thumb over Steve's knuckles. "Of course she will babe."


	16. Actor

Prompt: Actor

Trigger Warnings for mentions of drug use and cravings in this chapter

Jessica listens to the tech, Keleni, as she explains the procedure. It's relativity short, only 10-15 minutes and Jessica is relieved to see that the CT machine is open at both ends, which means she can see all the way through it. There's only a large circular portion that her body will travel through which significantly reduces Jessica's anxiety. Keleni talks her through it, explains that the machine will tell her when she needs to hold her breathe, how she'll inject a dye about half way through that that'll feel warm.

Jessica lies on the machine closing her eyes as the CT scan starts. The table starts to move and her body goes about halfway into the machine, but Jessica focuses on the picture of the beach that's on the opposite wall. She can do this, she reminds herself. She knows how to keep her anxiety under control, in check. She's always been a little claustrophobic but this isn't so bad, not when she can she can glance up and see the ceiling and not the inside of a machine.

Keleni's voice comes through the speaker, letting her know that she's injecting the dye and Jessica feels it pushing in her veins, flooding her system with heat. She can feel it spread, slowly at first, then more quickly as it infuses every part of her body. It's the exact same as when her father would inject her with heroin and the familiarity of it catches her completely off guard. It's been almost a year since she experienced that feeling, the warmth of the drug as it rushes into her body, the brief panic of knowing what comes next before the heroin does its job pushing everything into a haze.

Before Jessica even has time to process what's happening, she's hit with a drug craving so severe she has to bite her lips to keep from crying out. Jarrod had warned her that this might happen, that it was common to experience cravings for months even though she was sober. She'd had a few cravings in the very earlier days of withdrawal but to everyone's surprise she hasn't had any since. This one is bad though, it's all she can think about: getting another hit and it makes her want to crawl out of her skin.

She tries all of her typical coping skills: thinking about her favorite actor giving her advice, deep breathing, counting backwards by 7s, even reciting the states in alphabetical order, but she can't focus on any of them for more than a few seconds. She's getting antsy, restless, and Keleni must notice because her voice comes through the speaker.

"Just a couple more seconds Jessica. Try to stay still. You're doing great."

Jessica fights down the urge to kick her way out of the machine. The end can't come soon enough and she physically jumps off of the table the second her body is brought back out. The move pulls at her IV and she jerks at it, suddenly needing to get the needle out of her hand. "I…I need the IV out," she tells Keleni.

"Is it bothering you?" Keleni asks. "I'll have your nurse take a look once I get you back to the ED. Come on, up on the stretcher."

Jessica bites down a desperate moan, the last thing she wants is to sit back on a stretcher right now. She doesn't know what to do with herself, how to make this craving go away. But Danny and Steve are waiting for her in the ED and she's sure they'll help, they'll make everything right the way they always do. And so Jessica sits, tries to restrain herself from running as Keleni brings her back to her room. Jessica manages to hold it together until Keleni parks her bed and then exits, with a reassurance to Danny and Steve that "she did great" before she completely loses all control.

Jessica throws the blanket off of her and she pulls at her IV. "I need this out. Now." There's a tone of desperation in her voice, one that says if someone doesn't take it out soon, she'll do it herself.

Both Steve and Danny seem to recognize it because Steve grabs at the hand currently pulling at the tape around her IV as Danny reaches for the other one. "Jessica, honey, what happened?" Danny asks.

Before Jessica even has time to answer, time to explain what's going through her head, the nurse enters the room. "Keleni told me your IV was bothering you. Let me check it out for you. I've also got another dose of morphine for you…Keleni said you looked a little uncomfortable towards the end there. Let's see what we can do about that, shall we?"

"NO!" Jessica shouts. "No drugs. No narcotics!" She turns to Danny and Steve, pleading. "Please," she begs. "Please."


	17. Key

Prompt: Key

Steve has no idea what happened during the 15 minutes that Jessica was in CT, but that isn't his primary concern at the moment. He sees the nurse start when Jessica loudly and adamantly refuses the morphine, watches the way that Jessica is tracking the nurse and syringe full of morphine in her hand. Right now his primary concern is managing the situation that's unfolding before it gets out of hand. And that key to that, at least for the moment, is removing the upsetting stimulus, as well as the added player.

Steve sidesteps in front of the nurse, effectively blocking her from Jessica's sight. "Give us a few minutes, ok?" He phrases it like a question, but the tone in his voice leaves no room for argument. The nurse simply nods, turns, then walks out of the room.

Steve turns back to Jessica, who has somehow managed to shake off Danny's hold and backed herself into the corner of the room. She's still pulling it at the tape surrounding her IV. "Out. I need it out," she repeats.

Danny's closer and holds up his hands as he tries to get close enough to stop her from ripping it out. Steve knows he's trying to make sure that she doesn't feel trapped in the corner. "Jessica, honey, the IV needs to stay in. Just tell us what happened ok?" But Jessica doesn't listen; she yanks the catheter out in one fell swoop. Blood gushes out as Jessica visibly deflates now that the offending object is removed. "Whoa, Jessica, what you are doing!?" Danny exclaims, voice at full volume as his hands gesture everywhere. Jessica flinches at the loudness. Steve knows Danny doesn't mean to yell at her, he's always loud when he's upset and worried, but it's not helping the situation right now.

Steve grabs some gauze from the nurses cart as he pulls Danny back, out of the way. "Let me Danny," he whispers softly. Jessica seems more docile, less frantic now that the IV is out and Steve is able to grab her hand and apply pressure to slow the bleeding without a fight. He steps closer to her and Jessica drops her forehead against his chest. "Better?" Steve asks gently.

"Much better," Jessica sighs. "I'm sorry, I just…I had to get the needle out."

Steve doesn't bother to tell her that there's no needle anymore, just the catheter in her vein delivering the saline for hydration and other medications. Instead he offers, "I could tell. But what I don't know though is why." Jessica tenses and Steve runs his other hand down the back of her hair, planting a kiss on her forehead. "Just talk to me babe. What's going on?"

"I…Everything was fine…And then, then they injected the dye and it hit my veins and I just," Jessica's speech is broken, jumbled, but Steve doesn't interrupt to ask questions, just lets her keep talking. He senses Danny behind him, but Danny's keeping quiet too, allowing Jessica the time she needs to share her story. "I don't know, the dye it was….it was so _warm_ and it…it was everywhere, I could _feel_ it. It was just like….it reminded me of.."

"The heroin," Steve supplies, starting to understand.

"Yes," Jessica breathes, finally looking up at him. "And then I couldn't stop thinking about it. This…this craving hit me out of nowhere and I wanted it. The drug. And then the IV pulled and I had to get it out. It was too much…the craving and the IV just reminded me how much I wanted it, how much I still want it and I just…I needed to get it out." She glances over at Danny, tears suddenly filling her eyes. "I'm sorry," she apologizes. "I'm sorry Danny, I'm sorry."

Steve pulls Jessica's head back into his chest, fighting back tears of his own. He get it then, recognizes exactly what had happened. He understands all too well; his ordeal with Wo-Fat left him in a similar states, he remembers the feel of the saline and other medications injected into his IV, remembers Danny holding his hand so that he would rip the IV out. While he can't understand the craving for the drug itself, he remembers the deep desire to go back to his drug-induced hallucinations where his dad was still alive. It took weeks for it to stop completely, for him to stop waking up in the middle of the night expecting to see his dad only to recognize the harsh truth. His heart breaks for what she's going through. "It's ok Jessie," Steve promises her, pressing another kiss into her hair. "It's gonna be ok."


	18. Picture

Prompt: Picture

Jessica's got her arms wrapped around Steve's waist now; leaning into his comforting embrace and Danny can't help but pull out his phone and quietly snap a picture of the tender moment: Jessica with her forehead resting on Steve's chest; Steve's eyes closed, head bowed. Grace has been teaching him how to use the editing features and he's getting pretty good; he's sure the picture will look amazing in sepia or black and white tones. He knows that Steve's always questioned the bond that he and Jessica had, always felt he like wasn't as good as a father figure to her as Danny was. This picture clearly shows evidence to the contrary.

Danny keeps quiet until Jessica pulls back and Steve helps her get resettled on the bed. Danny walks around to the other side, sitting on one of those rolling stools that's normally reserved for the doctor. "Hey. I'm sorry I yelled. I shouldn't have."

"It's ok," Jessica tells him. "I know you were just worried. You always yell when you're worried," she quips.

"That's true," Steve confirms.

Danny rolls his eyes, but is glad that Jessica's feeling well enough to joke around. "Are you still having cravings?" he asks softly. He wishes he could keep the mood light, but he needs to know what they're dealing with here.

Jessica nods, avoiding eye contact. She picks at the blanket as she answers. "It's not so bad now. Not having the IV helps."

Danny leans forward. "You know that there's a possibility that the doctors might need to put the IV back in Jessica."

Jessica glances at Danny sharply, then sighs as if in resignation. "I know. I just… They were so sudden, so unexpected. I just needed a break. "

"I get that babe, I do. Jarrod said you might experience cravings, remember. We knew this might happen." He keeps his voice gentle, non –accusatory.

"Yeah. I remember."

There's a knock at the door then and it opens, Dr. Hunt stepping into the room. He takes in the scene, the IV disconnected from Jessica's hand, the blood on the floor and bandages in Steve's hand. Danny's sure the nurse also briefed him on the fact that Jessica refused her pain medication. Still though, he seems to take it in stride. "Everything ok?" he asks.

"Yeah," Danny nods. "Jessica just needed a little time away from her IV. Do we have the results of the CT scan yet?"

"Maybe, ah, maybe we should talk outside," Dr. Hunt suggests.

Danny glances at Steve out of the corner of his eye, nods his head off to side to indicate that Steve should head out with Dr. Hunt. He'll stay with Jessica while Steve can get prepped on whatever is going on. It's an approach that's worked well in the past, they both know that having the information possible helps to lessen Jessica's anxiety. But then Jessica speaks up, surprising them both. "Just tell me. Please."


	19. Hat

Prompt: Hat

The diagnosis of appendicitis hits the McGarrett-Williams family hard. They always knew it was a possibility however all of them were silently holding their breath that the stomach pain was just the flu or any other minor illness that allowed them to go home that evening. But that didn't happen and instead they're staring down emergency surgery.

Steve sighs, running his hand over his face. Jessica's resting quietly in her bed in the emergency room as they wait for the on-call surgeon to arrive, IV back in her hand and haven been given another dose of pain medication. Danny's sitting next to her, his hand over top of hers, thumb stroking the tops of knuckles every few seconds. Getting Jessica to agree to take more medication had been a fight. Now that they had a diagnosis, Dr. Hunt wanted to give her a single dose of Dilalaud, a stronger, more potent derivative of morphine. But it was an opiate and Jessica had vehemently protested, worried it would trigger her previous addiction, despite the fact that she was obviously in pain. Eventually, she agreed to a single dose of the medication after much cajoling from Steve and Danny. The injection had been difficult though as they both watched her fight her way through another craving when the medication hit her system. Steve had once again felt helpless; there wasn't anything he could do except provide silent support, a few soothing words here and there.

Once the surgeon arrives, Steve steps out of the room to provide him with an overview of Jessica's medical, as well as trauma, history. This is something that he can do, he can ensure that doesn't have to repeat the terrible things that have happened to her. He reviews her addiction history as well, mentions Jessica's concerns that she may become addicted again.

The surgeon is native, older, and clearly laid back, wearing a jeans and a hat. He's through, taking his time to ensure that he has all the necessary information. He asks questions about Jessica's triggers, how she responds to touch during the required physical exam, if she's ever been anesthia before. He assures Steve that they'll taper Jessica to a non-narotic pain medication as soon as possible and suggests that they give her a sedative to help her relax prior to the surgery. His soft-spoken attitude puts Steve at ease and he hopes the same will hold true for Jessica.

The two reenter the room and the surgeon, Dr. Kavika, introduces himself to Danny and Jessica. He asks her a few standard questions: where the pain, how long it's last, before asking permission to examine her. He's quick, only moving the parts of the blanket and gown necessary before swiftly covering her back up.

Dr. Kavika reviews the surgical plan with them, asking if they have any questions. It's a simple, laparoscopic procedure, he assures them and should only take about an hour, assuming that appendix hasn't ruptured which Dr. Kavika doesn't think is likely. If all goes well, Jessica should be able to go home tomorrow. Danny asks questions but Jessica remains quiet, withdrawn, and Steve's worried about how she's dealing with all this.


	20. Columns

Prompt: Column

Jessica states up at the columns of tile in the ceiling as the gurney moves down the hallway. Danny and Steve are on either side of it, walking with her until they reach the surgery hallway where they cannot enter. They've both assured her that they'll be waiting for her in her room once she gets out of surgery and Jessica's incredibly grateful that they're there with her. This whole thing has been surreal and more than a little overwhelming.

Once the surgeon had arrived things had moved fairly quickly and moments after he had left the room another nurse had entered, handing her a surgical cap to cover her hair, then wiping her arms down with surgical wipes. That was the moment when the reality of the situation had finally hit her. She had been grateful for the injection of the sedative shortly thereafter; it had starved off the panic attack she had felt building.

Steve and Danny both lean over and kiss her forehead as they arrive at the doors of the surgical unit. "We'll be waiting when you get out," Steve reminds her.

Danny grabs her hand and squeezes it one more time. "You're going to be fine babe. Steve and I will see you soon ok. We love you."

Jessica squeezes his hand back, closes her eyes against the tears that are threatening to spill out. She doesn't understand how she got so lucky to get such amazing foster parents who support her through all of life's ups and downs and provide unconditional support and more importantly, love. It was the same love her mother gave her before she died. She hasn't been able to bring herself to say the words back to them yet, even though she wants to. "Me too," she whispers back instead.

There's a nod from the nurse then the doors in front of her swing open and Jessica is wheeled though. She feels her anxiety spike as she's separated from her support system. Her gurney is handed off to some new nurse, one she's never meet before and she feels alone, scared. Her resolve not to cry, to be strong is slowly breaking, and suddenly she finds herself wanting her mom. The knowledge that her mom is dead sweeps through her and she finds herself chocking back a sob. She won't cry. She won't. She's not a baby. She can do it. It's only surgery, she reminds herself.

Another doctor enters the room from a side door and introduces himself as the anesthesia. He asks her a few questions, then exits as the nurse turns back to her. "Ok hon, we're going to take you into the OR now. You have everything off underneath your gown? Bra and underwear included."

"I took my bra off in the ER, but they told me I could keep my underwear on."

"I'm gonna need you to take those off."

Jessica freezes at that. "Why?" she asks tensely.

"You'll have a catheter during the surgery. Don't worry, we'll insert it after you're under anesthesia and remove it before you wake up. You won't feel a thing."

The words are meant to comfort her but instead they do the opposite. The idea of a catheter being inserted into her while she's completely unconscious, at her most vulnerable only sends her into a panic attack that comes so quickly there's nothing she can do to stop. Her mind can't stop going over all the things that could happen while she's under the anesthesia, all the ways her body could be violated. Logically, she knows that the chances of any of these things happening were small, minuscule even, after all these were doctors and nurses, charged with protecting her and making her better, their most sacred creed was "do no harm". But Jessica knows all too well that those who were charged with protecting her often failed, often were the ones who hurt her the most.

She's hyperventilating, the panic attack almost fully out of control, when the nurse turns around to see that she hasn't moved from her spot. "Jessica. You need to take off your underwear." Jessica doesn't respond, too wrapped up in the panic, and the nurse reaches out and touches her shoulder. "Jessica."

That's a bad move and Jessica lashes out at the nurse the instant she's touched. She pulls away from the touch, rolling her shoulder, flinching away to the other side. "No! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!"


	21. Towel

Prompt: Towel

Danny and Steve have only been in the waiting room about 20 minutes when the nurse who took Jessica into pre-op comes into the room looking frazzled. "Commander McGarrett, Detective Williams?" She ask as she wipes her hands on a towel. "I need one of you to come with me."

Danny jumps to his feet, immediately concerned and Steve follows suit. "What's wrong?" he demands to know.

"Jessica's having a panic attack. She's screaming, crying. We need you to help calm her down."

"I got this one," Danny tells Steve. He knows that Steve will understand. Jessica responds better to him during her most severe panic attacks, especially ones where she's irrational.

Steve nods back. "Tell her I love her."

Danny follows the nurse through the maze of corridors. "What happened?" he asks trying to get more information.

"I don't know. I asked her to take off her underwear so that we could insert a Foley catheter once she's under anesthesia. It's standard procedure. She freaked out. I tried to reassure her that she wouldn't remember a thing but…" the nurse trails off. "Here." She thrusts a surgical cap, booties, and gown into Danny's hands as they stop at what he assumes is the pre-op room Jessica is in. "You'll need to put these on before you go in."

Danny bites down the anger he feels coursing through him. The nurse seems completely unaware of Jessica's trauma history, has no understanding of why she might be having a panic attack in the first place. He can deal with all that later. Right now he needs to focus on Jessica.

He's pleasantly surprised when he walks into the room however. There's another nurse sitting on a stool next to the bed, holding Jessica's hand and talking to her quietly. There are tears running down Jessica's face and she's obviously upset, but isn't nearly as out of control as the other nurse had made her out to be.

"See Jessica, I told you he'd come." The nurse next to Jessica stands, holding her hand out. She's young, late 20's at most, and has a kind, if tired, smile. "I'm Abby, the charge nurse on the surgical floor this evening. You must be Detective Williams."

"I am," Danny says, shaking her hand. He kisses Jessica on the top of her head and takes her other hand. "You ok babe?" he asks her.

Jessica leans into Danny, sighing deeply. "Yeah. I'm ok. Abby calmed me down." She seems tired, exhausted even but Danny doesn't blame her. It's been a long day for all of them that isn't over yet.

Danny looks at Abby, surprise written all over his face. It was unusual for Jessica to open up to anyone she didn't know during her panic attacks, let only to have someone else be able to talk her off the ledge entirely. Danny's impressed. "Things started off a little rough, but we worked our way through them," Abby offers. "Jessica did all the hard work. I just helped a bit." Her humble attitude makes Danny like her even more.

"You want to talk about what happened babe?" Danny asks Jessica. He knows talking about her panic attacks is the best thing she can do to help get control of them in the long run, but he also knows that they still need to get into surgery, which is already anxiety producing enough. He doesn't want to add extra anxiety if he can help it.

Luckily Jessica seems to be on the same page as him. "No thanks. I just want to get this all over with. I want to go home."

"Yeah I know babe." Danny rubs his hand up and down her back. "I know."

They stay like that for a few moments before Abby speaks up again. "Jessica. We need to get you into surgery honey. I know having the catheter inserted under anesthesia makes you a little nervous. We can do it here, in pre-op if you'd like. It'll be a little uncomfortable, but we can give you some more Ativan to help you relax. Or I can insert it in the operating room, once you're under anesthesia. I promise I won't let anything else happen to you."

Jessica looks up at Abby. "I trust you. You'll do it, right? In the operating room?"

"Of course. No one else will touch you. You have my word."

"Ok."


	22. Hate

Prompt: Hate

Steve's pacing the waiting room when Danny returns. He's usually the more patient of the two of them; the Navy had taught him that, taught him how to sit without moving for three days with a sniper rifle, waiting for the perfect moment to take that shot. Yet somehow this, waiting for his foster daughter to come out of surgery, waiting for news that she even made it into surgery in the first place considering the number of panic attacks she's had today, this seems completely unmanageable. He hates the feeling, hates not being able to do anything for his daughter.

"Danny!" he pounces on his partner the minute he walks back into the room. "How is she?"

"Easy Super SEAL. Jessica's fine. Everything's fine. Jessica was in the operating room when I left. Abby said she'll come out with an update in a few minutes."

"Who's Abby?" Steve questions. It's not a name he recognizes. "She's not that nurse who came to get you is she? I don't like her, she seemed way too frazzled."

"Relax would you? Abby's the charge nurse. She's good, she had Jessica almost completely calmed down before I got into the room. Just take a couple of breaths babe. Sit down. You're making me nervous."

Steve sighs and stops pacing, although he doesn't sit down. "Sorry Danny. I just feel so useless, you know. It's just been one thing after the other and…" he drops down into a chair suddenly. "Maybe I'm just tired."

"Yeah," Danny replies, sitting down next to him. "I think we're both tired huh? It's been a long couple of days."

"Are we doing ok Danny? I mean with Jessica. Sometimes I feel like no matter what we do, it's not enough. Like there's always another crisis around the corner."

"You guys are doing more than enough." There's a voice behind Steve and he jumps up, startled. It's a testament to just how tired he must be that this petite woman could sneak up behind him. "You must be Commander McGarrett. I'm Abby, the charge nurse."

Steve's a pretty good judge of character and he likes Abby immediately. She's got a reassuring smile, a kind voice. "Steve."

Abby motions for them to sit down. "Your daughter is doing great, Steve. She's under anesthesia now and the surgeon was starting the procedure when I left. It shouldn't take long only 45 minutes to an hour. That's the beauty of laproposic surgery."

"Danny said you were able to calm Jessica down during her panic attack. I uh, I have to say I'm impressed. There are times I can't even get her to calm down. Do you know what it was about?"

"Actually I wanted to talk about that."

"I, uh, I haven't had time to fill Steve in on what triggered it yet," Danny offers up, putting Steve on edge.

"It's standard procedure to insert a Foley catheter during surgery. A well-meaning, but in hindsight misguided, nurse tried to assure Jessica that it would be done under anesthesia and I triggered her. She wouldn't come right out and say it, but I think she was worried that she could be sexually assaulted during surgery and would never know that it even happened."

Steve scrubs his hand over his face. "I just, I never even thought about something like that."

"Neither of us did babe," Danny rubs his hand against Steve's back. "Neither of us did."

"Most people don't," Jessica assures them. "Not unless you've gone through a trauma like Jessica has. But surgery is scary in the first place and it definitely makes most people feel vulnerable. When you add a history of sexual assault to the equation the idea of being put under anesthesia, especially knowing that a catheter is going to be inserted into you, well it makes sense."

"So what, uh, what do we do?" Steve asks.

"Mainly I just wanted you to be aware. I think what makes Jessica more anxious is that idea that it _could_ happen, not that it will. It might be worth bringing it up in therapy at some point. Jessica mentioned she a pretty good relationship with her therapist."

"Yeah, we'll definitely do that." Steve pauses. "I gotta ask you, how did you get Jessica to calm down? She, uh, she usually doesn't respond so well to people she's just met."

Steve watches curiously as Abby offers them a smile. It's filled with sadness though, although Steve suspects that most people wouldn't pick up on that. "Your daughter, she, well she's not so dissilimar to me. I'm a survivor of sexual assault too. Almost 2 months afterwards I was rushed into surgery because I had an etopic pregnancy. I was nursing school, so I knew the pre-op procedures. They went to put me under and I had a full blown panic attack," she stops, taking a deep breath. "Anyway, I recognized what was going on with your daughter's attack pretty quickly because I'd been there myself. And so I listened. Assured her that she wasn't crazy. That I understood her fears because I'd had those same fears myself. And then I asked her what made her feel safe. And she told me that the two of you did. That from the 1st moment she stepped foot in your house, you both made her feel like her safety, emotional and physical, was your number one concern. And that's how I know you do more than enough. Believe me when I say it's made all the difference."


	23. Ornament

Prompt: Ornament

Ornament

The first thing that Jessica's aware of when she comes to is that...well it's that she's alive. Which may sound like a stupid thought, but given the events of a the past nearly 24 hours, is not at all stupid and is in fact very rational. Or at least she tells herself that in an attempt to make herself feel better. She's not entirely sure it's working.

The second coherent thought that forms is similar to the first, but much simpler. "It's over." She repeats that thought again in her head, in an attempt to both simultaneously ground herself and also to let go of some of the fear that she can still feel resonating in her body. It's over and she's safe and she's alive and there's nothing left for her to worry about.

Everything is fuzzy and she feels likes she's floating and all she can register is white light and pain, but she continues repeating "its over" in her head. As she does, Jessica becomes aware of another voice coming from her above her. It's not one she recognizes and she tries hard to focus on it. It takes several attempts but finally she hears

"Jessica. My name is Leia. You're in recovery now."

Jessica nods at that and licks her lips. Her mouth is incredibly dry and her throat hurts almost as bad her stomach. She remembers Danny explaining this to her prior to going into surgery, telling her that she'd have a sore throat when she got out because of the breathing tube they'd put in during the operation, and she's grateful now for that. It means she can put her sore throat into context and that helps to tamper down on the fear that lies coiled just beneath the surface and that is threatening to come bubbling up.

Jessica takes a deep breath and tries to speak. It takes a couple of attempts and she can only whisper but when she finally does the words that come out of her mouth are the same ones that have been rolling around in her head. "It's over."

"What was that dear?" the nurse, whose name Jessica has forgotten already, asks.

"It's over."

The nurse seems not to understand why this is some important to her, but responds anyway. "It is. We're going to take care of you here for a little while and then move you to your room. On a scale of 1-10, what's your pain level?"

Between the pain in her throat and her stomach, Jessica's about at the edge of what she can take. "7" she whispers in reply. It's actually higher than that, more like a 9 or a 10, but she has this thing about pain medication and doesn't really want any. She glances around the room, trying to ground herself even more. "What's that?" she whispers, hand moving to grasp an ornament that's hanging on the railing of her bed.

"What?" the nurse asks, cleary distracted. She follows Jessica's hands. "Oh, the charge nurse, Abby left if for you." She doesn't offer any more explanation than that. Let's see if we can't do anything about your pain and make you more comfortable shall we?"

Jessica's vision is starting to clear and she can make out the small heart with a stethoscope around it and she grasps it in her hands. Jessica wants to say no, wants to tell the nurse that she doesn't want anything, that she's rather tough it out, but forming words is still hard for her right now. She tries to make her mouth move, to make her voice come out of her raw and battered windpipe, but she can't and before she has the chance to try again her body feels warm and everything goes even fuzzier than it was before and she drifts off to sleep again with the memories of the events that lead her here still rolling around in her head.


	24. Ocean

Prompt: Ocean

The next time that Jessica awakens she's in her room, or at least she assumes it's her room because both Danny and Steve are there. Danny's sleeping in a pull out chair, snoring softly, while Steve is sitting closer to the bed, one combat boot propped against the lower railing on her bed, which is currently pulled up. He registers that she's awake almost immediately, which doesn't surprise Jessica, Steve's always been the lighter sleeper, and his boot comes down and connects with the floor with a soft thud.

"Hey sweetheart," he whispers as he puts the railing down, coming to sit on the edge of the bed and lean over her. "How are you feeling?"

Jessica takes stock of her body and nods. Her throat is still on fire, as is her stomach, but it's a different kind of hurt than earlier in the day. "It's over," she repeats the same words she said earlier In recovery.

Steve seems to understand the importance of this statement because he smiles softly at her as he brushes a piece of hair out of her face. "Yeah sweetheart it's over. You did real good. The surgeon said everything went great; there were no complications."

Jessica's glad that she doesn't have to explain to Steve just why she needs that reassurance because she's utterly exhausted and now that she truly knows she's out of the woods the pain she's been feeling has ratcheted up a notch. She's also feeling clingy, the last remnants of the panic attack she had are still lingering around and she feels them threatening to bubble up.

"When can we go home?" she asks. "I miss the ocean." That last statement doesn't quite make total sense, she's only been here….well she's not sure how long she's been here to be honest but it couldn't have been that long and she and Steve had just gone swimming the night before. But the ocean is calming to her in a way she can't explain and after the number of panic attacks she's had in the last two days she needs it now more than ever.

Steve gets it though and once again Jessica finds herself grateful that she doesn't have to explain. "The surgeon said either today or tomorrow. But you may not be able to actually go in the ocean for a little while because of your stiches though."

"That's ok. I just…I need to be near it, you know."

"Yeah," Steve whispers softly, smoothing her hair. "Yeah I get it babe."


	25. Naked

Prompt: Naked

Naked:

Jessica must have drifted off to sleep again because the next time she comes to there's light that's just starting to stream in through the window in her room. Danny's still asleep on the chair in the corner, in what appears to be an extremely uncomfortable position, while Steve remains perched next to her in another chair and Jessica finds herself once again considering just how lucky she is that the two of them are her foster parents.

"Hey babe," Steve whispers softly as her eyes meet his. She's not the least bit surprised that he's awake, doubts that he had really slept at all. "How are you feeling? Are you in any pain?"

Jessica is, but there's a more pressing need that had dragged her into consciousness and she shifts uncomfortably.

"Jessica?" Steve prompts. "You ok?"

"I...I need to pee," Jessica rushes the words out, her face flushed with embarrassment. She's hooked up to the IV still and there are these weird vibrating things on her legs that she vaguely remembers the nurse putting on explaining that it would help prevent blood clots. She hates the feeling of being tethered and the need to depend on others, hates even more having to share her most personal needs with Steve.

Steve, for his part though, acts like it's no big deal, because well it isn't, Jessica tries to remind herself. He simply pushes the button for the nurse and relays the request, a nurse assuring them she'd be right in.

It takes too long for Jessica's comfort, but eventually a nurse does enter, even if it feels like it takes forever. "I'm surprised you didn't call for me earlier," she says casually as she unhooks the vibrating things on her leg and moves up to the IV. "You've had a lot of fluid between the ER and OR. Ok, side up slowly, then swing your legs to this side of the bed."

Jessica starts to comply, then freezes, suddenly remembering that she's completely naked under the gown, which is isn't hooked well and offers little protection anyways. They had given her a second gown to wear as a robe in the ER, but that had been removed prior to surgery and Jessica's feeling vulnerable and exposed as she glances nervously at Steve, trying to figure out how to frame her dilemma.

Luckily she finds that she doesn't need to. Somehow Steve seems to understand without any words. "Danny and I will step outside, give you some privacy," Steve offers, rising and moving to wake Danny. He shakes Danny on the shoulder. "Danno. Time to wake up."

Danny starts, coming to with a jerk, and looks around the room, straightening in the chair. "Everything ok?" he asks, seeing the nurse standing over Jessica and Steve standing over him.

"Everything's fine, Danny" Steve is quick to assure him. "Let's go get a cup of coffee, ok? Jessica needs a little privacy."

Jessica's grateful that Steve didn't spell the situation out in front of her, although she's sure that Danny will want to know exactly what's happening as soon as he's out of the room. Danny's like that, always asking questions, wanting to know everything always. It's probably what makes him a good detective. But Danny's also good at understanding that those questions have an appropriate time and place and now is not it. Instead he rises, moving towards the door with Steve. "Coffee sounds great."


	26. Hair

Prompt: Hair

Hair:

Several hours later and Danny's feeling beyond frustrated. He and Jessica have been locked in a battle of wills over her pain medication every time the nurse has come in. Jessica's still worried that she'll become addicted it to it, even though Danny has tried his best to assure he that won't happen. He's tried to stress how important it is to stay ahead of the pain, but Jessica seems stuck and Danny's exhausted from too little sleep.

"Jessica, please, just take the damn medication. You've just had major surgery, your body needs to heal and it can't do that if you're in pain!"

He wishes he could take back the loudness in his voice the minute that it comes out. Tears fill up Jessica's eye and Danny sighs as he runs his hand through his hair and he sits down on the bed next to her.

"I didn't mean to make you mad Danny," Jessica whispers, tears starting to spill down her face. "I'm sorry. I'll take the medicine. Please don't be mad."

Danny wipes them away with his thumb, feeling guilty. He knows better than to raise his voice at Jessica, knows that it sends her back to times when her father would yell at her before he beat her. He and Steve have tried hard to ensure their behavior at no time emulates Jessica's biological father. This time he failed. "No I'm sorry babe. I shouldn't have yelled. I'm not mad at you ok? I promise. But babe, you're in pain. I can see it in your eyes. And it's hard for me to sit here and watch that knowing there's medication that can help you."

Jessica nods, reaching out and grasping Danny's hand. She is in pain, a lot of pain if she's honest about it. She's exhausted herself, physically and emotionally, and she finally caves and admits it. "It hurts," she whispers.

Danny squeezes Jessica's hand as Steve comes around to the other side of the bed and grasps her other one. "I know it does Jessie," Danny tells her, scooting closer. "So let's do something about it, yeah?"

Jessica looks like she's finally ready to admit defeat. "What if...what if I do get addicted? Then what?" she asks.

Steve speaks up then, his answer the same as the one he gave her in the therapist's office 2 days ago when she was worried about the voices. "Then we deal with it Jessica. If that happens, and I'm not saying it will, but if it does than Danny and I will be right here beside you every step of the way to get you clean. We did it once, we'll do it again."

More tears run down Jessica's face but both Danny and Steve can tell that they've finally gotten through to her. "Ok," she whispers. "Ok."


	27. Action

Jessica's doctor chooses to keep her overnight, wanting to transition her to a non-narcotic pain medication slowly. It turns out to be a good idea because Jessica's pain spikes as they start to make the switch and Steve and Danny take turns soothing and comforting her through it.

Although Steve doesn't say anything, Danny can tell how tough it is for him to be sitting in one room, especially as the day rolls on. He's always been a man of action and Danny can tell that he's torn between wanting to stay with his daughter and needing to do something with all his pent up energy.

Luckily Kono, Chin, and Kamenoka arrive in the early afternoon, around lunch, and provide much needed reinforcements. Kamenoka somehow managed to bring shaved ice for Jessica, as she's still on a liquid diet, and shrimp for the rest of the gang. The increased activity wears Jessica out pretty quick though and Steve takes the opportunity to sneak out while Jessica sleeps. He only runs 2 miles which is much shorter that his usual runs, but it's exactly what he needs to refocus himself. He showers quickly in the locker room that the nurses have been kind enough to let him use, grateful for the change of clothes that he always keeps in his truck, before he switches out with Danny.

Jessica's still sleeping when Steve returns, so he uses the time to catch up on some emails and paperwork that Chin had dropped off. He's in the middle of some budgetary forms that are making him cross-eyed when Jessica wakes back up with a moan. "Hey," he says softly, dropping the paperwork and immediately coming to sit next to her. "Easy. You're ok."

Jessica's still a little groggy and Steve grasps her hand in order to help ground her as she comes to. "Where's Danny?" she asks as she looks around the room, struggling to sit up in bed.

"He's calling Grace," Steve tells her, pushing the remote control on the bed to help raise it. "He'll be back in a few minutes."

"Is she ok?"

"She's fine. She's at cheerleading camp this weekend. Danny's just overly anxious. Like always."

Jessica sighs as she leans back against the pillows.

"You ok Jessica?" Steve asks.

"Yeah. I'm just ready to go home."

"Soon baby. Soon."


	28. Religion

Prompt: Religion

Jessica's released early the next morning and all of the McGarrett-Williams family are grateful. The rest of the day had been uneventful, although no less draining. They'd gotten Jessica out of bed to walk around after Danny had returned from his phone call with Grace and done laps around the floor a couple of times. Afterwards, they'd watched a movie on the hospital tv after dinner before falling asleep, Danny on the cot the nurse had graciously provided, Steve in the chair. Between the pain and nightmares, Jessica had a rough night and Steve and Danny had taken turns soothing her through it. So they're all more than a little ready to go back to the familiar environment of their home.

Abby, the charge nurse from earlier, stops by just as they're packing up Jessica's things and Danny's signing the discharge paperwork. "Hey," she says as she reaches down to hug Jessica. "I just wanted to say goodbye and wish you luck. You're gonna do great."

Jessica's quiet on the way home, more so than usual, but neither Danny nor Steve choose to question her on why at the moment. Once home, Jessica goes immediately for the lanai and Steve watches as she breathes in the ocean air and sighs deeply, the stress of the past 72 hours finally starting to wash away. "Want to go in?" Steve asks.

Steve pulls one of the deck chairs to the end of the beach, right into the surf. The chair is low enough that Jessica can sit with her feet in the water and let the waves wash over them without touching her stitches. Steve joins her while Danny goes into the house to make some of his mother's chicken soup for lunch. The two sit in companionable silence for a while before Steve finally breaks the silence.

"You ok Jessie? You seem like you have a lot on your mind."

"Do you believe in God?" she asks.

Steve ponders the question. "I believe in a higher power. Something that you know, connects each of us. Something that grounds us to each other. I don't know if that's God. I've seen a lot in this world, you know a lot of bad things, a lot of bad people. But through it all I've always had this." He gestures towards the sea. "The sea. I think in a way, the sea is my religion. She's always been there for me, I've always been able to give things up to her. Everything works together in a perfect ecosystem with sea. There's a natural flow, a give and take. Does that... does that make sense?"

"Yeah. It makes complete sense."

"What brought that on?" Steve asks.

Jessica shrugs. "You met Abby, right?"

"The charge nurse? Yeah. She told Danny and me about what happened in pre-op and how she helped you calm down."

"When she came in to say goodbye today, I asked her what helped her get through...what happened." Steve's not surprised that Jessica doesn't say the word. Rape. She's always had a hard time saying it even when it's not in relation to what her father would do to her. It's too harsh, too violent. "She told me it was God. That without her faith she wouldn't have survived. And I just started thinking. I don't know if I believe in God. Not after everything that happened. I just...I can't. But I want to believe in something. The ocean. That makes sense to me. The tides come in and go out, leaving shells or taking them with it. It shelters animals, gives life. So maybe, maybe the ocean is my religion too." She looks at Steve then, a hopeful look on her face. "Is that ok?"

"Yeah, Jessie. That's more than ok."


End file.
